


another place, a better time (for that moment, i was never what i am)

by spherically



Category: Kagerou Project, Mekakucity Actors
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Feelings, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mekakucity Actors Ending, Not Beta Read, Post-Canon, Spoilers, Yaki Thinks, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 06:23:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20253592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spherically/pseuds/spherically
Summary: She thinks- they have each other, what else could they ever need?(Or, Yakiteru watches in silence, again and again and again.)





	another place, a better time (for that moment, i was never what i am)

**Author's Note:**

> Happy August 15! this is actually the first august fifteen where i finished writing something instead of scrapping it and putting it off until next year. I finished this in about two weeks, no-beta. The title comes from "Next Year" by Two Door Cinema Club :)
> 
> a lot of the interactions here were stuff made up by me- Yaki's probably seen various interactions and events happening over the course of that many timelines. 
> 
> In any case, this isn't my magnum opus by far. This was written in a hurry with a lot of feelings and love for this series and its characters. Mostly, this is a badly written love letter to the Kagerou Project. Enjoy!

Yaki thinks Tateyama Ayano is the luckiest girl in the world. As far as she's seen (which is an achingly long time), Tateyama Ayano was an airhead- always needing tutoring sessions, too kind and too trusting. And yet, she'd made close friends. she'd gained the trust of her three siblings, she was happy, for the most part. Tateyama Ayano did not deserve anything that had happened to her. Yaki had come to a conclusion about how Ayano always managed to lose all of her happiness in one single moment- Ayano was too  nice.  Her choices had backfired on her- choices that were made because she was too nice. It grated at Yaki that Tateyama Ayano was  her.  Yaki had been Tateyama Ayano. 

Ayano (herself, she supposed) was kind. Shuuya, Tsubomi, and Kousuke had loved her no matter what stupid things she would do. She was friends with Shintaro- broke a part of his wall, even. She had befriended those two older students, Haruka and Takane. Her life was mundane and real and happy. She was so stupidly  happy.

Yaki thinks, if she hadn't fucked everything up so badly, would her life have been like this?

**x**  


Yaki thinks that having spent so much time cooped up in Kisaragi's head, she's reached the point where she thinks like him. Every time Ayano speaks to him (them?), she feels a twitch of annoyance.

"Good morning, Shintaro!" This is not what she sounded like when she was alive. It might have been, when she was young and full of hope, but definitely not now. 

"Ayano," Shintaro grumbled it as a greeting, but Yaki doesn't miss the way he straightens in his seat. 

Ayano smiles at him softly before taking out a paper crane from her bag. "Takane told me she found more of your tests on the roof, so I fixed it for you," She's, yet again, patched up the torn apart test papers that Shintaro leaves on the roof once a week. 

"Why was she even up there? It's my fucking business what I get to do with my papers," Shintaro rolled his eyes, not arguing as Ayano placed it next to his notebook as she sat down.

Having been with him for so long, Yaki knows it's not some sort of crush that Shintaro has on her, although that may very well be part of it. Yaki believes that  this  Shintaro, the apathetic fourteen-year-old, has placed Ayano on some sort of pedestal. This happy-go-lucky, kind, sweet girl has forced Shintaro back into society and although he hates it, he can't just pretend that he'd befriended Haruka Kokonose on his own. He has to show  some  form of appreciation, no matter how bad he is at simply saying thank you.

Once again, Yaki finds this stupid. 

**x**  


Yaki watches Shintaro tell Ayano to leave him alone, watches him regret it in the years after. She is there when he cries in front of his closest friend, begging the tall boy to not die. She is there when he scours the newsboards for any sign of Enomoto after Ayano and Haruka die- watches him slowly sink into his chair as he finds out that the three he had bothered to care about in the slightest were just  gone.  She is there watching him tear apart Ayano's stupid paper cranes. She is present when he screams at Momo to get rid of the  stupid-ass fish monster in your room,  all because the memories contained in that fish are all too much. 

Yaki hates this part. So many timelines have been spent where Shintaro closes him away and never leaves, almost thousands were he ends it all with those cursed pair of scissors, so many where Kisaragi Shintaro just  gives up. 

When she signed up to become his snake, this was not what she thought would happen. 

Of course, she knew things wouldn't be solved by a simple run-through. But, she didn't expect that it would take so  long.  Yaki has seen countless deaths, heard countless screams. It doesn't even happen that often that Kisaragi steps out of his room on that day in August. 

(He ends it all more often than not. Yaki watches, and watches, and watches.) 

Sometimes, she feels guilty that she no longer feels a stab of guilt every time Shuuya or Tsubomi or Kousuke is cut down. She no longer reacts so sharply when she sees Marry cry out in front of the snake. This is not  her  family, she thinks. She has no right to feel anything for them. (Especially after she'd messed up so badly in her own time.)

Regret is something she has become accustomed to feeling. No matter how many tmelines she watches, Yaki is still stupidly human. An apathetic human, anyhow, but human. Was. She knew what it felt like to laugh and love and  be,  if only for the short time she lived. In the time afterwards- she feels she has lost most of her humanity.

Yaki may be here to make sure Shintaro remembers, but at one point, she had wanted to act as an Ene in Shintaro's head. Of course, she knows that wouldn't be possible. She could never have played the Ayano in his life, the steadiness Haruka provided him, the will that the stupid robot had given him. 

Speaking of the stupid robot. Ene (Is she supposed to call her Takane?) twirls around in front of Shintaro's eyes. 

"Master's watching all this shady garbage again!" Her voice is sing-song, loud- Shintaro (and Yaki) shakes his head as he glares at her. 

"Ignoring me, Master? How rude!" Her pout makes Shintaro feel guilty. Of course he does not want to make that mistake yet again.

"I'm just... trying to focus," he says. Ene smirks, covering the video Shintaro is furiously trying to watch.

"On sticking your hand down your-" Shintaro makes a sound and instantly stops the video. 

His cheeks are red as he protests, "Okay! Okay! I'm done! Leave me alone!" 

Ene perches on top of the open tab and shuts it down before searching up funny videos that she  knows  would make Shintaro laugh. It is in this way that Shintaro lived for two more years, because of this blue-haired girl and her promise to Ayano Tateyama that someone more stronger should be by Shintaro's side.

After two minutes of comfortable silence between the two (three?) of them, Ene sits upside down and covers the video. "It's time to feed Tono, dummy- you forgot, again!"

Yaki feels a flinch of anger in Shintaro's system before he calms down to feed the bunny, Ene yelling around in his computer that he should keep this in mind everyday and form a proper schedule. The steadiness of just  feeding a bunny  has helped in more ways than one to stop what happens, sooner or later. The scissors always come, most of the time. 

Ene is deleted four weeks later. Two weeks later, Kisaragi Shintaro takes a pair of crimson red scissors to his neck. Yaki watches, as always, in silence. 

**x**

"Momo," the older brother fidgets around in front of Momo's room. He's not good at apologizing, Yaki should know this well, and it almost took him two hours just to reach this point. 

Yaki thinks, he's always like this. He acts like his sister is such a bother and comes right back to her when she's hurt. In her time, she remembers Shintaro's dark gaze and the grief and pain in his eyes when he found out his little sister was gone. Ene was a force that made Shintaro move and change. Momo was the stable, still part of his life. Yaki supposes she could pass this role too. If she was able to speak, maybe. If Shintaro even knew she was there. 

"Momo," he tries again. The door opens a peek. He inhales quickly, takes a breath.

"I wasn't... I didn't mean what I said," the words come from a place in his chest that's been loosened out. Yaki has watched this scene many times. 

Momo is happy anyway. She tilts her head up and looks at her older brother for a second before letting loose a smile. "It's okay. I know you didn't mean it."  Bullshit,  Yaki thinks but does not say.

Shintaro shuffles from foot to foot, looking down awkwardly at the ground. 

"Do you want to- I can make dinner for us," Momo says awkwardly. 

Siblings are strange- Yaki thinks. Shintaro acts like he could care less about the safety of the younger Kisaragi sibling, and yet fears her disapproval all the same. Momo could be treated like crap from Shintaro her whole life, but he'd still always be the older brother who'd played with her in their childhood. This sense of familiarity and solidity is what forms a strong familial relationship, in any case. 

Yaki thinks about her relationship with Shuuya, Kousuke and Tsubomi, when she was alive. She clearly remembers whole days spent just trying to get them to trust her. She remembers Kousuke's teary eyes and Shuuya's dark ones. How long it took just to get them to say big sister  with confidence. 

She remembers when Seto brought Marry home, smiling and introducing everyone. 

Yaki does not dwell on the memories after that point. 

**x**

The same predicament. The same sense of emptiness. She wonders if Shintaro feels any pain when he does it. She doesn't. It's happened too many times. 

**x**

Given the chance,  Yaki thinks (as usual),  would I sacrifice myself for them?  She had always wondered what would happen when (if?) Shintaro remembered and saved them all. Would she fade away? Would she stay in this empty hell? Would Shintaro even care about the dreams she had given up to sit in his god-forsaken head? Would Shintaro even bother to know why she was here? Who she was?

I think I would,  she says in her head. This whole stupid blindfold gang. If they were hurt, Yaki wouldn't mind losing her life again, even if it meant they'd never even know her name. 

**x**

Amamiya Hibiya is very much like Shintaro. Shintaro doesn't know but having known him this whole time, Yaki knows quite well. If tis group ever sat down together, they would have billions to talk about. All that trauma in one place. 

Is this my humor now?  Yaki thinks,  but the only reason this is happening is because of Ayano- because of me. 

Was she still Tateyama Ayano, she wondered? In any world, would she still have been the bright-eyed girl? She does not want to imagine it.

"What's your name?" Shintaro repeats to the boy in the vest- Hibiya Amamiya, as Yaki knows him. 

Amamiya is panicked. His eyes are wide open, looking around angrily. "What- Where- Where's Hiyori?" The question is said in such a panicked tone that even Shintaro backs down. 

"Who's Hiyori?" Tsubomi blinks at the boy in confusion. "We weren't aware that there was another child-"

"There was!" He snaps at her, making Tsubomi flinch. "She had- she was- pigtails, she had pigtails, she was wearing a dress-"

"Calm down," Shintaro says sternly, effectively making him quiet down. "We'll find that girl if we can."

"You  will, " Hibiya says with a high note in his voice, desperate and cracking. 

They don't; Hibiya and Shintaro never get their talk, and none of them ever get peace.

**x**

"Want a coke?" 

It's slightly funny how Shintaro is the one offering his former friend a soft drink, nearly three years after he'd been introduced to the drink. 

"Yeah," the white husk (he calls himself Konoha, but Yaki only ever sees him as the black mass that kills everyone around Shintaro) says blankly, taking the coke bottle from him. They drink in a comfortable silence. Yaki does not know where the rest of their group is, and this is a fairly mundane moment- should she really have to remember this?

"I used to have a friend who makes that same exact face," Shintaro tilts his head at the white husk, who blinks at him. 

"What was their name?"

The flicker of emotions that pass through Shintaro (and, by logic, Yaki) are painful. "Kokonose-san," he says, no longer wanting to speak about it. An impulse decision, Yaki believes. 

Shintaro shakes his head. "It was nothing. You like the drink?" 

Konoha nods fervently. "I like the... the explosion," 

"Right?" Shintaro's grin is real and solid, as he takes a long sip from the coke. "Momo and Ene think I'm crazy. Thanks for being a friend," 

"We should go to the amusement park!" 

Yaki has no more body or form in this world, but she winces anyway. She knows what happens here. It's brutal, unforgiving. 

She wishes they had time to enjoy themselves properly. Within an hour, bodies litter the floor. Yaki does not want to watch. This is not what she wanted. She doesn't know how many times she has to see these images in her head until its numb in her brain, cold and boring. She doesn't want to see Shuuya bleeding out on the ground, she doesn't want to have to see Kousuke's blood spilling on the stones. 

She watches Ene's screen cracking, she watches Shintaro stand in front of Momo and Marry protectively. She sees Marry  wish , with all her heart, to make everything alright again, to see everyone smiling and happy.

They are back at square one.

**x**

This is so  frustrating.  She knows she has to be patient, a virtue taught by her mother, but it doesn't make it any less bearable. It does not hurt as much as it did, say, sixty timelines ago. She doesn't hate it for the pain it gives her- she's widely used to it at this point. She hates it  because  she's so used to it.

This apathy that has grown in her, this terrible, empty feeling that leaves her trying to force some emotion out of her when she sees a dead body- it tears at her from the inside out. She wants to tear it out, wants to purge the cold feeling wrapped around her heart and  force  herself to feel shame, to feel pain, regret, sorrow. Anything so she can want to cry when she sees their bodies. Anything for a shred of the humanity she used to have. She doesn't even feel  pity. 

It's become so tiring, so  common-place  that she  sighs when Shintaro literally stabs himself in the neck. She wants to get this done with. She wants to lie down, to cease to exist. 

Yaki supposes, in this way, she and that Ayano are one and the same- locked in an inescapable fate. 

Feel pain,  she thinks when Tsubomi is cut down.  Grief,  she begs as she watches Shuuya cry out in pain.  Gratefulness,  when Ene smiles at Shintaro leaving the house.  Happiness,  when Shintaro sits with his friends and feels a strange content. 

**x**

Do you remember now?  It's only the sixteenth or so time she's repeated this to him. She doesn't know whether this will be the timeline that ends it all. She doesn't want to think too deeply about it.

"Yes," Shintaro rasps out. Clenches his fists tight when the memories come crashing down on him. "Yes," he repeats, as if to steady himself.

This is what Yaki has been working towards this whole time. 

"I'm sorry I took so long," Shintaro says as he offers that Ayano a hand. Yaki watches in silence. There was a time when she might've spoken to Shintaro, might've told him what could quite possibly happen next. She no longer feels that urge. 

This is her final mission, her inescapable fate; to watch, to see, to remember. Even if she faces it alone. 

The pair of broken youths walk back into the world together. 

**x**

Shintaro feels so many emotions in this part that Yaki can hardly keep up. She has her own fair share of feelings about all this. An end to an era. 

(Her favorite part is when the snake is wished away.)

**x**

Relief.  That's the one word to describe Yaki's thoughts when it's all over. It's not happiness, nostalgia, a sense of feeling finished or full.  Relief.  It's over. She no longer has to see the same images and memories everyday and never be able to say anything. 

After all that, she is still here, for some strange reason. She had been under the impression that she'd have ceased existence as soon as the snake was wished away, but she is still here. 

She does not bother trying to speak with Shintaro. He deserves his own time alone, speaking with his close friends again. She watches and she thinks. 

This is alright,  Yaki thinks as she watches them all enjoying each other at a picnic.  This is what I aimed for. 

Shuuya and Tsubomi are already hitting each other. Momo laughs next to Tsubomi, fingers interlinked with her as she offers Marry a cupcake. Marry accepts it gratefully as Kousuke watches beside her. Haruka sits with his sketchbook and Takane leans over him. Shintaro sits with a can of coke, more content than Yaki had ever felt him to be. 

From the start, she'd never meant to include herself in their happy ending. Her goal was to give them one. Her goal had been finished. This was how she'd repay Marry, Kousuke, Shuuya, and Tsubomi. This was how she'd thank Ene, Konoha, their two human counterparts. 

This was her final thank you letter to Kisaragi Shintaro. 

She thinks all this, watching a figure in a white dress show up in Shintaro's vision. The figure smiles, the same red clip in her hair- but without the scarf. 

Two strangers, two friends. A red jacket and a red scarf. And a considerably larger group of friends. 

"I'm sorry I showed up so late," Ayano apologizes profusely. "The man at the shop said something had gone wrong!" She brings out a cake from the bag she's holding, and the whoops and joyful laughter make her smile as she turns to Shintaro. 

"Let's go?" She asks him, and he nods and takes his place next to his friends.

Yaki watches. Somewhere along the way, she grows sleepy. Somewhere along the way, she thinks,  I want to take a long nap. 

But is it safe?

Yes . 

She thinks, before she falls asleep, _They have each other. That should be enough._


End file.
